Lost Twenty-Something with a Purpose
Here’s the thing... the last time I was here writing to you all, it was to tell you that I wasn’t sure about the direction of my blog. In fact, I had pretty much come to the conclusion that I wouldn’t be doing it anymore. If you are not sure what I am talking about, click here to catch up! Long story short, I had become emotionally exhausted with social media (Instagram), and the constant need to be “on” all of the time. I found myself making each situation about getting the perfect photo without even acknowledging what I was actually doing or the people that I was with... feeling the NEED to make my next post on Instagram like, now, or I would become irrelevant... feeling so completey incompetent as I scrolled through others posts.... that is not ok! Please understand that I fully support my fellow bloggers and influencers because it is hard hard hard work. But, I was not in the right mindset anymore. I lost sight of my purpose, and I needed to do something about it.
I thank God for the strength it took to not only come to that realization, but also for the courage to blast it on the web and social media for you all to read. I battled with it for so long, not wanting to admit to myself that I was unhappy doing something that I once dreamed of doing, that I once dreamed of making my career. I felt like a fraud... like I was never really good enough... and now I just don’t want to do it anymore?? What a loser.
But, guess what? As soon as I hit publish on that post, I felt immediate relief, and I knew I had done the right thing. Since then, I have gone to parties, brunch, date nights, shopping.... and haven’t felt the obligation to document them. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t. It hasn’t been a priority, and if I don’t get a chance to take a photo or to put a video up on my IG story, I am just fine! It’s been so nice to post a photo that I genuinely care about posting, not just for the likes and comments. I am committed to valuing myself, my time, and the people I choose to be surrounded by. If that means putting my cell phone on silent and keeping it in my purse (or leaving it at home, which is a little scary) then that is what I will do. Which leads me to the next part of this narrative....
With that, I also decided to do more of the things that I enjoyed, things for myself. I started a work-out program, and I feel SO good. I started reading more, and I even got my husband into reading with me. I started cooking more, and it has been such a sweet relief after a long work day and gym session. Ultimately, I feel like by making the decision to step back from the Instagram/blog thing, it has also forced me to try and live in the moment in all aspects of my life, whether its date night, a lazy Sunday in bed spent reading, or cooking in my own kitchen.
Despite this personal victories stated above, I also feel like a very LOST twenty-something. What am I doing with my life? Should I be further along in my career? Should my husband and I be trying for kids yet? I live 3,000 miles away from everyone I love— why don’t I have a group of girlfriends out here yet? Why didn’t I make it further with fashion blogging? It must be me.
Fortunately, my commitment to doing things for myself led me to reading “Girl, Wash Your Face.” I just finished it. If you have not read this book, and you find yourself asking questions like the ones above, then I highly suggest you read this book. Rachel Hollis explains the things that all of us women feel and think, and she explains why they are all lies. Of course I am good enough to be a fashion blogger. I am more than good enough to do whatever I freaking want. I don’t have a good group of girlfriends out here, not because I’m not worthy of of them, but because I JUST moved here! And great friends take time! Where I am at in my career is far enough right now, its actually worth celebrating! Why? Because I work my butt off and I wake up each day ready to take on whatever that day brings, and I know that I am appreciated at my job!
At the same time that I started reading this book, I had been talking with my best friend Shannon about the “lost twenty something” funk I have been in. I told her that I had always pictured myself living in a big city, in a small apartment, fashion obsessed and writing articles, just like Carrie Bradshaw.... and then it hit me.... as I was freaking typing that sentence to her. “Olivia.... you literally moved across the country with the love of your life. You are now in downtown Seattle, living in a small apartment over looking the city, and you have the means to write whatever you want right in front of you. Fashion and style is undeniably your creative passion. YOU ARE LIVING OUT YOUR DREAM RIGHT NOW.”
While I may not be living my dream to the exact caliber in which I have imagined it, that doesn’t mean I won’t someday. There are two things that Rachel Hollis said in her book that have completely stuck with me. One of them being that every single thing you do and everything that happens in your life is preparing you for your future. You may not see it in the moment, but eventually you will. That’s so crazy true. My life right now is what it is because of the decisions I made in the past. Subconsciously, I knew what my dream was and have been manifesting it this whole time. I am living it right now, in a smaller “baby steps” kind of way. The second thing being that we need to have our “thing” that relaxes us, a thing that we enjoy doing purely because it makes us happy. It should be therapeutic.
Like I said before, I forgot my purpose. I forgot WHY I started blogging. While fashion was my focus, writing was always my purpose. I wanted to major in journalism. Later, I decided a business degree in Marketing was a better choice for me, but I still love to write. Instagram was not all that big when I initially started my blog— there were no social media influencers then. The game has totally changed, and that’s what got me hung up. Keeping up with my social media is what exhausted me... not the writing. Reading the words of Rachel Hollis made me realize that. It wasn’t the writing... it wasn’t the actual blog itself.
So, guess what?! I am going to write. I am going to write my heart out, whenever I want and whatever I want. No strings attached. There will be a mix of fashion, life (like the real “hit ya in the feels” life stuff), travel, and maybe even recipes? I really don’t know.... but whatever it is, I am doing this for me (and to inspire others, of course). Some of the things I write may not ever be shared on here.... I may keep it to myself. I have the power to do this however I want, however serves me. I am ok if only one person reads this post now. This is a relief, an escape. This is a passion and hobby. If something more becomes of this, then that is fabulous, but not the purpose. I have worked hard to get to where I am, even if I imagined I would be further. I know that one day, all of the hours I put into fashion content and blogging, will pay off, one way or the other. My future is mine, and I feel confident that I will make something great of it.